Beer Reviews Gone Wrong!

Beer Snob

There is a rising boom all over the world, especially here in the US, and that boom is Craft Beer! Everyday I seem to hear about a new production brewery or brewpub opening up in some small town, in some state. Home brewers are taking their love for crafting beers to the next level and making a legit business out of their passion. With the rise of this movement, comes along with it are the over achievers, the ones who know everything, the “beer snob”, if you will. Right now really seems to the “stick it to the man” era in the beer world, as many, many people are giving the middle finger to the main beer giants, Anheuser Busch, Coors, and Miller.

What’s happening, though, is now the craft beer movement is hitting mainstream status, and people everywhere who are converting to the “dark side” are revealing their inner hipster! haha! I do reviews of beers here on this site, and I do a pretty standard formula with my reviews… An intro, description of the appearance, aroma, taste, a comparison to music, and a closing. Nothing too fancy really. In my journey to creating my reviews, I like to see what others say about the same beer, so I read other reviews. Now, I don’t consider myself a beer snob, but others will beg to differ, but I really see people’s beer snobbery coming through in some of these reviews I read. Here is an insert from a review I recently read, which lead to the writing on this post…

“This stuff pours a clear brass topped by a finger of off-cream-white foam. The nose comprises fresh gauze, vague citrus (leaning toward lemon, but there’s a Squirt-like burst of lime in there at times as well), light black pepper, a pinch of clove, light cream cheese, and a touch of wet balsa. The taste holds notes of funky lemon rind, old banana peel, clove, used gauze, corked chardonnay (and, frankly, the corking wasn’t the worst thing to happen to that wine…), and a wave of indescribably off floral bitterness. The body is a lithe medium, with a light moderate carbonation and a sorta/kinda drying finish.”
Fresh gauze, light cream cheese, and a touch of wet balsa? What the Fuck, are you kidding me? Here is another one that made me laugh…

“In the nose it was almost perfume-like with notes of cedar, torn green leaves, flowers, dull spice (with the exception of some brighter coriander), and a spritz of fruit (grape/orange/grapefruit/pineapple/mango/papaya, and at one point even a note of coconut) with a hint of vanilla underneath. It conjured for me an image of myself sitting in a bamboo hut surrounded by vegetation and mountains opening some small wooden box to find beautiful golden fruits and spices inside.”
Will someone please shoot me, please, I’m begging you!

“Grass and dry hay with a touch of honey. Citrus and melon bitterness with a natural but sweet toasted malt aroma. Sun baked plastic trash bag funk. Faint bubblegum fumes. Not getting a lot of pine out of this but it is timid.”
Wow, seriously, sun baked plastic trash bag funk. Sounds like a Grindcore band name.

Finally, here is one that drove the final nail in this coffin: This beer’s aroma has a vagina like quality.
Yes, you read that correctly. This person said a beer smells like pussy! WHAT?!?!?!?! Saying that a beer smells or tastes like vagina is pretty scary. I say this cause I know I have described beers as being danky, or body odor like, or even yeasty, or bread like, or even having biscuit qualities. Maybe she might want to go get checked. Just saying!

I understand when reviewing a beer, we are all trying to get our points across to let our readers get a full experience of the beer as we have, but seriously, people, give me a break with some of your descriptions. There are certain words that are used to describe certain characteristics of a beer such as Phenolic. Phenolic flavors and aromas in beer are most often described as clovey, spicy, smokey, band-aid-like, or medicinal flavors and aromas. But to seriously sit there and smell or taste fresh gauze, torn green leaves, sun baked plastic trash bags, and vagina leaves me at a loss of words, which is why there are repeated words here. I really, don’t know what else to say. I have a friend who says my reviews are basic and that I need to let my metal side come out a bit in my reviews. I don’t really understand what he meant by this, and so one day I asked him, and pretty much it was summed up that I need to be a bit more vulgar. Ha Ha! Well there you go buddy. Somebody beat me to it! Can’t get any more vulgar than comparing a beer to a vagina! Maybe I could say the aroma of this beer reminds me of bloody, stool soaked anal tract lining or something! I would much rather keep my reviews basic to get the point across to turn people on to purchasing these beers.

In conclusion, I will say this… I know there are friends of mine that will never ever understand my passion for the craft beer world, and that’s fine. I know they read my site, and say the same things about my reviews as I said above, and that’s fine. I enjoy drinking craft beer. I enjoy writing about beer. I enjoy maintaining this website about craft beer. I especially love learning about everything there is to know about craft beer. I thank you so much for visiting my site, and liking my posts, and such. It keeps me motivated and I only want to take to higher levels. Enjoy your day, and whatever craft beer you might be having right now!

Hops and Horns, BeerMetalDude!


2 thoughts on “Beer Reviews Gone Wrong!

  1. I definitely enjoyed reading this one man. LMAO!!, never though someone would ever describe a beer smells like a vagina. For me, in terms of reviews is just keeping it straight I guess. Writing about how it makes sense. Basic is not a bad thing. I try to compare taste and smell to something that people can probably relate to. Hopefully that’s the key to “less snobbyness” but also being open minded too. Awesome stuff man, cheers!!

  2. OK! I have to comment here on my own post. I didn’t want to edit the content above. I just read another one for the “WTF BANK”:

    “This is a great IPA in a can! Partly cloudy with a chance of cat piss! Bitterness is just right and well balanced”

    Someone said great IPA but then compared it to cat piss! Wow, wonder what this person does in their spare time!

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